28 settembre 2008

My mind is clouded

Dear readers,
I haven't been blogging very much lately but a lot of stuff have been going on. I didn't feel very comfortable putting in writing my thoughts as they have been very confused and I have been changing my mind continuously.
I am still working at the power plant on an internship for €880 a month (roughly $1285). There is no serious contract ahead but I saw by mistake a folder on my boss'boss computer with my name on it and a project based contract. I read the law regarding this kind of jobs and it's say it is not applicable for professionals who belongs to a professional associations like lawyers, architects, engineers, ... So it is going to be a kind of contract below my level. With this kind of contract I should be able to work when I want and as long as I want: I just have to meet the deadlines of the project and deliver the job.
The point is that I won't be working on my own, but together with colleagues, therefore the job is not entirely up to me. I could take 3 weeks off of vacations but I don't think I will be able to deliver the project on time because when someone else I depend on is missing, my whole work get slowered down.

I don't know the amount I am gonna get paid for this project, nor the lenght of the project. You might say I shouldn't feel baffled or sad as long as I don't know the retribuition, but I already feel restless.

Anyway, as I already told you in my older posts, I came home after university and I am not very happy about my social life here. I live with mommy, my friends are married or are going to marry their longlife boyfriend next year. I can't afford to rent a place, I can't afford to pay my car's insurance.
I noticed I have been spending too much extra hours at job just because I had nothing more outside the office but DVDs and computer. I played all the hobby I had during last year and now I am already bored.
On one lazy night it popped in my head the thought that I might enroll at the university again. It will be full of young people I don't know yet and I would get back in a younger and above average cultural environment.

I told about this thing to several ppl. Everybody told me it was a bad idea because I just finished university and I just started working. It was time to focalize my efforts on jobs and studying was going to take my time and attention off to work.
But I already saw that as hard as you work, your effort are pointless if your colleagues don't do the same. And you won't get more money if you finish a work earlier (maybe someone above you will).

I don't want to sacrifice for my job since it doesn't pay. I will try with the Economy faculty, the lessons are going to start next Wednesday but I will be not attending them (except perhaps the first ones so that I get to know ppl). When I went to enroll at the university I felt so old comparing to the other people there! I kept thinking about their crazy hairs, the odd clothes, the expensive Gucci shoes,...
This is not my previous university, but anyway I felt an outsider even there, just like I felt too young and full of life for my working environment which is populated with people int heir mid 50ies just looking to retire.
I'm a jut stuck in this limbo between the will to grow up and get MY life and the feeling that independency will come in a couple of years, so I might as well keep my mind trained studying something different than engineering.

2 commenti:

  1. It's okay, Paola. Blog when you want to and about whatever you want to. If you're not comfortable blogging about a subject, don't.

    I have an inkling (a small idea) of what you mean about feeling older among younger students. I'm in my late 40s, and I'm thinking seriously of going back to school, at least part-time. I think I'll feel like an old-fart amongst a bunch of spring chickens. :P LOL

    As for going back to school, I don't think it's a bad thing. I've a friend in Massachusetts, an old high school friend, who is practically a professional student. He just enjoys going to school so much, and learning all sorts of things, that he's pretty much been in school all his life. He works, and his job pays his bills, and his employer helps to pay for part of his education. It works for him.

  2. Sad story, Poala.
    My 2 cents: work and try to learn as much as you can; forget about money, that will come. Go back to grad school in 3/4 years.
    Enjoy life and get a more positive attitude!



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