This last year has been full of new things and also of new routines.
I have spent a month in NY, an experience I have always dreamt to live and of which I am proud of. I didn't socialize with my roommates, I don't even know why. All the other Americans I met on the internet are so friendly and also my roomates were friendly on email. I don't know which problems was it. I didn't even use the kitchen. Perhaps was the fact that I didn't catch on the first everything they said? Or that in NY nobody is FROM NY so there is no big issue in having someone from abroad living with you?
This is the last year in the University, the fifth. University life was not as I imagined when I was in the highschool. There is no brainstorming or passionate debate with colleagues. There are just a bunch of student that want high marks hoping to get good jobs and earn a lot of money. They run this imaginary competition with the knowledge that they won't get a good job and won't earn a super salary. They cheat on exam to take a higher mark, they stress themselves so finish as quick as possible. They give all their life to study, give up to social life, live on a cheap money,...
And yet they know it's worth nothing.
My family situation is just the same. I thought that as the years passed I would have come to a point where I didn't care about my parents splitting up when I was 5. Indeed, it is not so. I am still disappointed because my dad cheated on my mom when I was just one year old. I didn't fullfill his life like a child should do. There might be unwanted child, and sometimes I think I am one of those by my father' side. I can think that there are moments when you are not ready to be a parent, but I don't really like to be the child un-welcomed. I have the feeling my dad accomplished his ecomical duties toward me but didn't ever care too much.
I wasn't told about my parents' separation when it all happened. I was too young. I was never told about that from my father, just like if the problem was only in my mind and in my mom's. I'd like him to ask to be forgiven, but this issue is not relevant since he sees no problem at all in what he did. Perhaps he just doesn't need to be forgiven because his coscience is clean.
I had to discover by myself that that woman was not really a dad's friend but indedd she was the one that took my mother's place. She came to live in my old home, she sneaked into my life and took my dad, my family and my house.
I tried to told myself that some things happen because two people want them to. And in fact I didn't blame her for a long long time. Now I do.
When she started to go out with my father she was younger than me. She was 22 years old and he was 33 with a wife and a baby.
Now that I am 24 y.o. I have been thinking about myself with a married man. I have also tried to add some different conditions, such has having a secretary job, living on my own in a little flat and so on. None of these conditions suffice the act to steal someone's husband. At my age I feel I have my whole life ahead and can find a lot more boyfriends, meet further men.
When you try to have some sort of apology the only reply that comes back is "It happened" or "it's none's fault"...just like if it rained and you slipped on the wet floor. It happened because they didn't want it to happen. It is someone's fault, indeed.
I know that dragging up old business and feelings is not a good thing to do, also because I'm probably the only one still thinking about it. In the middle of the action nobody told me nothing and I was too young & stupid & blind to recognize what was behind the various "you sleep at grandma's because mom&dad have to go out" or "I don't know whose sweater is that".
I woke up later and I am still wondering what, why, when and how.
I don't need real answers, because the situation remains the same. It has been so since 1989 and years passed, tears dropped and I've been suffering.
But I sure need to go over this. I hated each boy I have met, I never trusted anyone. I can't even remember someone I had a serious crush on. All the guys I had an intercourse with ( which are very few) are labelled as "dumbass I had a physical meeting with".
I believe I just need to have my pain and fear recognized by my father. He who caused it, he who never admitted it. I try to fear him as often as I can.
The last time I saw I did so. But he's so touchless and blind and I'd like he would be able to listen at what he says sometimes. I'd like to have an impartial person telling him that he's schmuk and I'd like him to be ashamed of what he did. But he seems he didn't even notice and I have stopped thinking he will ever do it.
I stopped to talk to him for 2 years. Then I had to attend university and coming back to Pavia, where my grandma's empty house is, and it seemed the most reasonable thing to do. A key to freedom, the last time with the teeth grinding to find a better job that will allow me to leave.
I am not sure that moving away is gonna change something. There is a beautiful phrase that describes this very well:
caelum non animum mutant qui trans mare currunt (Oratius)
[those who run across the sea change their sky but not their state of mind] [cambia cielo, non animo, chi corre di là dal mare]
My father talks about hid children very often. They are 12 and 14 y.o. and they live in my old house, too. Of course this is their house now, but the resemblance to a replacement is amazing and hurts like hell. I don't know why he talks so much about them and their life. He said it is just to keep me informed, and i told him I couldn't care less to know how my life would have been if that woman never entered into life.
He does not understand and says that he just don't wanna that I and these children will be like strangers. What he want me to be? Their best friend? Their bigger sister? Oh, please, f**k it!
He also think that when we'll be older we are gonna help each other and meet regularly, while I don't really see the point in keeping a knife turning into my chest. They caught my life, do they want my help, too?
My father does not seem to see a limit in what he says. These are really "innocent" and silly phrases that hurt a lot. Because they don't come when fighting, since we don't fight. They come just if nothing happened, during usual conversation. He spends two hours per month with me and talk about them.
I don't think the children really know who I am. I mean, when I was their same age I didn't even understood what "having a lover" meant. Maybe when they'll be old, when they'll be betrayed and suffered a loss, any loss....then they might understand. When they'll learn what love, family, feelings, dreams are. When they'll learn why children born. Some people born "by mistake", some are rescued and some live as unwanted children who are treated very bad, psychologically and physically.
But now I don't really like my father's attempt to let them into my life. Because it is another imposed thing in my life. You are not supposed to frequent people you don't like or that you don't want to meet. And I don't care if he slept with their mother. It's none of my business. He did his choices, now I wanna take mine. And I am NOT sorry if I will hurt him, or if he run out of excuses to gently explain who am I, why do I stay at grandma's in Pavia and why I stay also in Novara.
I have been crying almost 20 years over this business. They have completely ignored the fact. They might not have been told yet, or partly, or perhaps they know everything but are not capable to truly understand what happened.
Their happiness is my sadness. I am not gonna help them or meet them. I wanna know nothing of them once I leave here.
I didn't invite my father to my first graduation. He was slightly disappointed, but he was at football school with his youngest one, who seems to be the most important thing of their life.
I won't even invite him to my second one. I am happy if that hurts him. I will be happy every time that someone will ask him about my graduation and he will have to think "she didn't wanted me there".
I don't like the fact that if I die before marrying or having my own children they will get my belongings and my money. I wonder who ever invented this stupid law. When a family split, split. Why don't degrees of kinship?
Sometimes I dream that will happen something and I'll let them suffer like I did for years.
For example if my dad will be unconscius I'll be the one who has the right to choose.
He's not married to that woman, the children are underage.
And I'll take the ground off from their feet if I'll be able to.
I still have nightmares about this family issue. I know that talking and crying don't help. I feel so frustrated and I am wondering how long this will go on.
It does not matter how do I feel, they keep minding their business, livign their lives, denying the facts. I would really like that this is a nightmare. Indeed, it is not.
It is also in my deepest subconscious, it is with me day & night.
Sometimes I wonder if I suffer that much because I was teached the Christian family. The one with mom & dad that love each other and would do everything to stay together. The one where the top of their love is a family with one or more children. The one where "the family comes first". Do you think I am suffering because I didn't had what I expected as my right?